So, I made it out. “Exodus phase 2” has been completed. No more nightmares of the sort that I used to have. Yay!
Are you happy now?
Far from it.
Wait what?! Isn’t this what you always wanted your whole life?!!
I’m tired of waking up in tears
‘Cause I can’t put to bed these phobias and fears
I’m new to this grief I can’t explain
But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain
~Silhouette, Owl City
6th of December 2016. Around 9 in the morning. Cairo International airport, Egypt
I was walking down an aisle heading towards the boarding area to take my flight to Ireland, doing my best to suppress my tears -occasionally failing- after one of the worst nights of my life. My dreams are finally coming true, yet I’m devastated for leaving my closest people behind.
6th of December 2016. Around 7 in the evening. Dublin, Ireland
The first person to welcome me to Ireland was my taxi driver. His accent wasn’t very easy to understand, but he was very friendly and nice –characteristics I later found that most Irish share. We exchanged some small talk as I saw the city for the first time in real life. It was dark, yet I was still able to see how old and simple it seemed –unlike the modern Canadian cities for example. I reached the old apartment, which I had rented as a temporary place to live till I find long-term leased place, got welcomed by the kindest hosts: Liadán and Garrett, and started a new chapter in my life.
So what’s wrong? Is it not what you’ve expected?
On the contrary, it’s even better. For first time in my life (after moving to Egypt as a child) I’m living in (not visiting) a place where I feel safe, have dignity as a human being, and living among human beings instead of zombies. Point in case, this is the first time I mention the name of the county I fled because I don’t feel afraid of announcing it any more. Additionally, Ireland is a very beautiful country and I live in one of Dublin’s most gorgeous neighborhoods. And finally, I truly feel that I’m a FREE person.
All of those are indispensable human needs for me, and I’m a million times happier than how I used to be when I was deprived of them.
Wait, didn’t you say you were unhappy?
Yes, which, if anything, shows how miserable I am; since being a million times happier than how I used to be is still sad. It’s kind of like saying, “I now have 10 cents instead of 1, which makes me 10 times richer.” It means that multiplying the amount of happiness I used to feel is still too little.
What happened is that when my basics needs were achieved, other more sophisticated, but not, by any means, less urgent ones started to surface. My greatest fear is no longer dying like a worthless animal (so pathetic right?). Now it has become: dying ALONE!
This is currently what makes me cry myself to sleep every now and then: bitter loneliness…