It’s true that we seem to be living our lives in an endless journey of quenching our desires, but I think the nature of your desires can tell a great deal about who we are and how we lived our lives.
I remember I used to want one thing: feel loved and accepted.
Then I used to want to be safe.
Then I wanted not to feel lonely, and wanted to be loved.
Now all I want is for my heartache to stop.
Now I can’t stop myself from envying every happy person I see; every person from a rich and modern country that protected their rights as a child and provided them with a nourishing environment of love and security to thrive; every person who has friends and a family; every person who’s in love; every person who has lived a good life.
I know I’m not a very good person, and when I think about it I realize I really don’t deserve any of that anyway. These exact envious thoughts show how dark I am on the inside. But it still hurts to see countless people having all that while I don’t.
I often ask myself, am I asking for too much?
I think all I need to have that and be happy (or not heartbroken any more) is just one person in a world full of billions, that’s all I want. If I have that one person to love, be my family and friend, nothing else will matter. Yes, they can’t change my painful past, but they will make it all worth it: all the waiting, all the suffering, all the fear, all the nights in which I cried myself to sleep, all the times my heart was shattered into pieces, all the years of feeling worthless and insignificant, all the times I wanted to end my own life, all of the times I couldn’t eat or do anything productive because how miserable I felt, all of the times I looked into a mirror and despised my looks, all the efforts to try and make people like me, all the cruelty and the lies, every sigh that burned on the inside, every time I had raging volcanoes inside of me with no one to talk to, every time I needed someone to hug but had no one, every suppressed cry for help that no one heard, all of that and more, everything will be worth it, for it will have not went in vain.
All I need is a smart kind loving person to share the rest of my life with me, and the only thing that’s keeping me alive now is the remnants of hope that there still may be a very weak chance that I won’t die before meeting her. But every day the chances seem to get lower and there seems to be no escape from this nightmare that is my life.
I’m supposed to go on a vacation for a week next Sunday, which I was planning for for some time now, but I’m not looking forward to it any more. I feel so down, and unable to complete the basic tasks required for traveling. I feel that I want to cancel my trip – I don’t even care about the money- and stay at home and sleep for that whole week. Every time I start doing something, I remember that I’m travelling on my own, and it’s going to be a disaster and only make me feel worse. I honestly don’t know what to do now …