Dear Beloved S.,
Today I heard about a study on the effect of looking into a lover’s eyes for some time. They found that if two lovers continuously keep eye contact for a sufficient amount time (if I remember correctly: more than 4 mins), their brain activities sync. Moreover, they also found that their heart beats can sync too! One researcher described it as becoming “one large synchronized system”. Maybe that’s why I find myself staring into your eyes whenever I can without being able to explain why. Sorry if that bothers you.
Am I weak, selfish, broken, damaged, stupid, crazy, stubborn, unwise, inexperienced, full of issues, lonely, confused, don’t belong?
But I love you with all of my poor, disfigured, ugly heart. I know it’s not what you thought it was. I know it’s not what you always dreamt of. I know it’s a huge disappointment for you. But it’s everything I have. It’s everything this unfair life and this cruel world gave me, and I want to give it all to you till there’s nothing left of it.
I understand if you decide you can’t accept or handle it. It never did and never will deserve you. I’ve honestly always thought that, and it’s one of the biggest reasons that made me use to suppress any feelings towards you. Yes, my ego sometimes makes me forget that I really don’t deserve you, but I get back to my right mind and remember.
But if you do decide to accept my heart, it will be the best thing that has ever happened to it. It would change my life forever. Life would have finally given me one good thing that makes all of the pain, the suffering, the humiliation, the loneliness, the cold nights, the dark times, the bitter tears, the rejection, the shame, the suicidal desires, and the very long waiting worth it. My life would be meaningful for once.
I always tell you that you deserve all of the best, and that clearly contradicts my desire of being accepted by you. I’m sure that there are millions, if not billions, of people who are much better than me and who deserve you much more than me. But there may be one good thing about accepting someone like me: I’ll always know for sure that I never deserve you, so I’ll never tire from doing my utmost best to make you happy. And every time I fail, I’ll have the motive to get back up and try harder and harder. I want you to live a life where you’re never taken for granted. A life in which I try to win you every day as if it was the first day.
For a long time (don’t remember since when exactly, could be a month or more) whenever I dream, I dream about you. And I wake up very happy and full of life. And when I upset you, I get nightmares instead, and you’re also in them. I see you being hurt or upset. And I wake up very depressed and disturbed. I’m thinking about you even when my conscious mind and my body are asleep.
I love you the love that that brings light to my darkness.