The second letter … to a girl I fell in love with

Dear Beloved S.,

Once upon a time, a couple of ducks were waiting patiently for their new baby ducks (ducklings) to hatch out of their eggs. Although all of the eggs looked the same, when they hatched, one specific duckling looked very different than all of the others. Yes, the other ducklings weren’t identical, but this duckling was very different. His neck was weirdly longer, his legs were weirdly darker, and even the color of his feathers was weirdly unusual. The mother and father ducks were so surprised, but they did their best to love him just like any other of their ducklings. The other ducklings, however, weren’t so nice to him. They never stopped making fun of him and avoiding him, and they called him “the ugly duckling”. As they grew up, our duckling tried his best to fit in by trying to act and look like like all of the normal ducklings. But despite all of his efforts, he never succeeded. The more he grew up the more obvious the differences became. He didn’t look like the others, didn’t walk or swim like them, and he didn’t sound like them. He always hated himself for being an outcast. Continue reading

My cold and dark universe (Part 4: More on cold loneliness)

I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry into your pillow

~ Alive, Sia

 

A weird kind of loneliness:

For years I had no good ways of expressing my agony. I wasn’t even allowed to cry in my bedroom when I needed to. I didn’t even have a bedroom of my own, as I shared one with my younger brother. The number of nights in which I wanted to sob or scream but suppressed my voice as not to be heard are just countless. That was regarding the space I had in my home, or rather lacked.

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My cold and dark universe (Part 3: A universe from bitterness)

We usually forget months and even entire years of our lives, but there are some moments, some nights, that can never fade away from our memories.

I always say I have a very bad memory. Could it be my brain’s way of defending itself against grief?

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My cold and dark universe (Part 2: A transition that broke me into a million pieces)

 A universe is vast, spontaneous, and unique. So is my mind.

I also now realize that: a universe is mostly empty, dark and cold. So is my heart!

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My cold and dark universe (Part 1: The dark chambers of my heart)

“Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide”

~Demons, Imagine Dragons

Warning: I decided it was time to write a short summary of my sad life and suffering in a single series of entries, the only expected result is a very dark collection of painful stories. You’re strongly discouraged from reading this.

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Insodus: Returning back to the jungle (nightmares)

Insodus is a word I made up as an antonym of Exodus.

Next week this time I’ll be back in the country that hurt me so much that the mere thought of returning to it hurts. My land of slavery and bondage. Continue reading

Sweet and sour

So I walk alone down the darkest roads
‘Cause I’ve always known how the story goes
When the curtain falls, I’ll be wearing thin
Clawing at the walls as they’re closing in
In this twisted plot I was destined for
I’m an astronaut on the ocean floor
So misunderstood ’till the bloody end
How I wish I could do it all again

It feels like I’m a lone survivor
Forgotten in a dark and deadly world
And on my own I walk alone
To see the sun again I’d give anything
But life demands a final chapter
A story that we all must leave behind
It’s do or die, and this is mine
The anthem of a bird with a broken wing

It’s another night of the living dead
Like a viper bite in a spider web
It’s so deathly dark in the alleyway
And a bleeding heart makes you easy prey
I would run and hide for the afternoon
With the butterfly in the panic room
Though I won’t be missed, I would say it’s time
For a different twist in the story line

~ Bird with a broken wing, Owl City

I’ve always been enchanted by Adam Young’s (a.k.a Owl City) ability to capture, in great detail and mystery, fragments of feelings and thoughts in his lyrics that are so closely related to my life. But “Bird With A Broken Wing” has been the closest to touching my life than any other song so far, both in content and timing …

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