A 3rd letter

Dear Beloved S.,

Today I heard about a study on the effect of looking into a lover’s eyes for some time. They found that if two lovers continuously keep eye contact for a sufficient amount time (if I remember correctly: more than 4 mins), their brain activities sync. Moreover, they also found that their heart beats can sync too! One researcher described it as becoming “one large synchronized system”. Maybe that’s why I find myself staring into your eyes whenever I can without being able to explain why. Sorry if that bothers you.
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My cold and dark universe (Part 4: More on cold loneliness)

I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry into your pillow

~ Alive, Sia

 

A weird kind of loneliness:

For years I had no good ways of expressing my agony. I wasn’t even allowed to cry in my bedroom when I needed to. I didn’t even have a bedroom of my own, as I shared one with my younger brother. The number of nights in which I wanted to sob or scream but suppressed my voice as not to be heard are just countless. That was regarding the space I had in my home, or rather lacked.

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My cold and dark universe (Part 3: A universe from bitterness)

We usually forget months and even entire years of our lives, but there are some moments, some nights, that can never fade away from our memories.

I always say I have a very bad memory. Could it be my brain’s way of defending itself against grief?

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My cold and dark universe (Part 2: A transition that broke me into a million pieces)

 A universe is vast, spontaneous, and unique. So is my mind.

I also now realize that: a universe is mostly empty, dark and cold. So is my heart!

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My cold and dark universe (Part 1: The dark chambers of my heart)

“Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide”

~Demons, Imagine Dragons

Warning: I decided it was time to write a short summary of my sad life and suffering in a single series of entries, the only expected result is a very dark collection of painful stories. You’re strongly discouraged from reading this.

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Insodus: Returning back to the jungle (nightmares)

Insodus is a word I made up as an antonym of Exodus.

Next week this time I’ll be back in the country that hurt me so much that the mere thought of returning to it hurts. My land of slavery and bondage. Continue reading

A sting to remember

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
~ Bob Marley

Even if this place was the richest part of the world or the most modern nation on Earth, it would still be a living hell for people like myself. You see, this place’s ugliness lies deep inside the very disgusting nature of the people inhabiting it themselves.

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