My cold and dark universe (Part 4: More on cold loneliness)

I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry into your pillow

~ Alive, Sia

 

A weird kind of loneliness:

For years I had no good ways of expressing my agony. I wasn’t even allowed to cry in my bedroom when I needed to. I didn’t even have a bedroom of my own, as I shared one with my younger brother. The number of nights in which I wanted to sob or scream but suppressed my voice as not to be heard are just countless. That was regarding the space I had in my home, or rather lacked.

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My cold and dark universe (Part 3: A universe from bitterness)

We usually forget months and even entire years of our lives, but there are some moments, some nights, that can never fade away from our memories.

I always say I have a very bad memory. Could it be my brain’s way of defending itself against grief?

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My cold and dark universe (Part 2: A transition that broke me into a million pieces)

 A universe is vast, spontaneous, and unique. So is my mind.

I also now realize that: a universe is mostly empty, dark and cold. So is my heart!

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The Exodus (phase 1): The beautiful smell of liberty =)

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“Congratulations! You’re now a Permanent Resident of Canada!”
~ Immigration officer at the Montreal international airport, 18th of Oct 2015, around 4:30 pm EST

I’ll never forget these words for what they meant to me. However, several months ago I imagined I would be ten times more excited about hearing them, but my excitement was temporarily limited for other reasons … Continue reading

A sting to remember

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
~ Bob Marley

Even if this place was the richest part of the world or the most modern nation on Earth, it would still be a living hell for people like myself. You see, this place’s ugliness lies deep inside the very disgusting nature of the people inhabiting it themselves.

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Sweet and sour

So I walk alone down the darkest roads
‘Cause I’ve always known how the story goes
When the curtain falls, I’ll be wearing thin
Clawing at the walls as they’re closing in
In this twisted plot I was destined for
I’m an astronaut on the ocean floor
So misunderstood ’till the bloody end
How I wish I could do it all again

It feels like I’m a lone survivor
Forgotten in a dark and deadly world
And on my own I walk alone
To see the sun again I’d give anything
But life demands a final chapter
A story that we all must leave behind
It’s do or die, and this is mine
The anthem of a bird with a broken wing

It’s another night of the living dead
Like a viper bite in a spider web
It’s so deathly dark in the alleyway
And a bleeding heart makes you easy prey
I would run and hide for the afternoon
With the butterfly in the panic room
Though I won’t be missed, I would say it’s time
For a different twist in the story line

~ Bird with a broken wing, Owl City

I’ve always been enchanted by Adam Young’s (a.k.a Owl City) ability to capture, in great detail and mystery, fragments of feelings and thoughts in his lyrics that are so closely related to my life. But “Bird With A Broken Wing” has been the closest to touching my life than any other song so far, both in content and timing …

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