(I wrote this on the 27th and 28th of Oct)
I tried to wash away the tears,
But the water from my eyes was more than that in my hands.
The bitterness of my tears overtook the neutrality of the river.
What is it about my tears that incite anger rather than compassion?!
People’s faces in public transport in the morning, that are so neutral and cold.
No one knows how different they were last night.
A warm smile on a warmer shoulder, laughs of joy and excitement,
Or wails and screams begging a loved one not to leave.
I can’t seem to smile at children again.
That disgusting envy!
Why couldn’t I have the same love and happiness they have?
Why couldn’t I have the warmth that all creatures need?
Maybe what’s worse than the pain is feeling that there’s no one there for you. That all doors are closed … all eyes are void of care … all ears aren’t listening … all hands are unavailable … all kindness consumed … all hearts closed. I hate this feeling more than I have hated anything in my life. I wish I could know why it seems to follow me everywhere; no matter where I go … no matter what I do. I wish it’s just something in my head. I wish I’m delusional. I wish that somehow the doors are imaginary, the eyes are pretending, the ears are hidden, the hands are invisible, the kindness can be found, and the hearts just misunderstood.
Loneliness … loneliness … loneliness … loneliness … more loneliness … even more loneliness … lonely loneliness … loneliness inside loneliness … bitter loneliness … painful loneliness … abandoned in loneliness … left to die in loneliness … surrounded by loneliness … inescapable loneliness … damned loneliness … fucken loneliness … universal loneliness … unending loneliness … true loneliness … meaningless loneliness … lonely meaninglessness … alone with someone … someone alone … someone unwanted except by loneliness … trapped in loneliness … cold loneliness … dark thoughts of loneliness … loneliness feeding on loneliness … lonely tears … lots of lonely tears … suppressed screams of loneliness … a lonely sigh
Dear Beloved S.,
Today I heard about a study on the effect of looking into a lover’s eyes for some time. They found that if two lovers continuously keep eye contact for a sufficient amount time (if I remember correctly: more than 4 mins), their brain activities sync. Moreover, they also found that their heart beats can sync too! One researcher described it as becoming “one large synchronized system”. Maybe that’s why I find myself staring into your eyes whenever I can without being able to explain why. Sorry if that bothers you.
He’s the only one who has been there since the beginning. He never lets go. He’s so fucking stubborn. The more I tell him I don’t want him, the tighter he holds on to me. Lots of people come and go, but he’s the only one who seems to remain. To be honest, I sometimes feel I miss him, but it’s not because of him, rather because he’s frankly better than bad company.
(I wrote this letter over the course of a few days to my friend whom I’ll refer to as S. -for privacy reasons- and delivered it to her on Wed, the 16th of March 2017)
Dear Beloved S.,
I’m writing this to you after almost 2 days of trying to respect your desire for me to leave you alone as much as possible. It has been very difficult for me, but if you are really happy, I’ll use all my power to bare the loneliness and the pain of being away from you when I want to be close, just for your sake and your happiness.
They say Einstein once said: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we faced them.” I think there is a recurring problem in our friendship and I’m writing this to try and explain, in some detail, why I think there are better ways of dealing with bad times other than the way we’re currently choosing. I hope you read this carefully, put yourself in my place, and, at least, reconsider, for my sake, please.