He’s the only one who has been there since the beginning. He never lets go. He’s so fucking stubborn. The more I tell him I don’t want him, the tighter he holds on to me. Lots of people come and go, but he’s the only one who seems to remain. To be honest, I sometimes feel I miss him, but it’s not because of him, rather because he’s frankly better than bad company.
(I wrote this letter over the course of a few days to my friend whom I’ll refer to as S. -for privacy reasons- and delivered it to her on Wed, the 16th of March 2017)
Dear Beloved S.,
I’m writing this to you after almost 2 days of trying to respect your desire for me to leave you alone as much as possible. It has been very difficult for me, but if you are really happy, I’ll use all my power to bare the loneliness and the pain of being away from you when I want to be close, just for your sake and your happiness.
They say Einstein once said: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we faced them.” I think there is a recurring problem in our friendship and I’m writing this to try and explain, in some detail, why I think there are better ways of dealing with bad times other than the way we’re currently choosing. I hope you read this carefully, put yourself in my place, and, at least, reconsider, for my sake, please.
(written on Jan the 31st, 2017)
Sometimes I wish I was a ghost.
Which is actually different than wishing death.
Because the ghost I’d be would be very alive.
More alive than I’ve ever been.
Than anyone has you’ve ever seen.
(I wrote this in Jan 2017. Probably around the 23rd or the 24th … on a cold night)
Sometimes at night I feel so cold. I imagine someone hugging me. I think I try to imagine it so hard, as if if I try hard enough, maybe I could actually start to feel it. But I never do. And I stay cold.
Stones that I
It weighs me down
But there is gold
Hidden by rock and sand
I have to search
~Barbarossa – Stones