(I wrote this on Jan the 24th 2017)
It’s true that we seem to be living our lives in an endless journey of quenching our desires, but I think the nature of your desires can tell a great deal about who we are and how we lived our lives.
I remember I used to want one thing: feel loved and accepted.
Then I used to want to be safe.
Then I wanted not to feel lonely, and wanted to be loved.
Now all I want is for my heartache to stop.
I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived
I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry into your pillow
~ Alive, Sia
For years I had no good ways of expressing my agony. I wasn’t even allowed to cry in my bedroom when I needed to. I didn’t even have a bedroom of my own, as I shared one with my younger brother. The number of nights in which I wanted to sob or scream but suppressed my voice as not to be heard are just countless. That was regarding the space I had in my home, or rather lacked.
We usually forget months and even entire years of our lives, but there are some moments, some nights, that can never fade away from our memories.
I always say I have a very bad memory. Could it be my brain’s way of defending itself against grief?
A universe is vast, spontaneous, and unique. So is my mind.
I also now realize that: a universe is mostly empty, dark and cold. So is my heart!
“Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide”
~Demons, Imagine Dragons