Maybe what’s worse than the pain is feeling that there’s no one there for you. That all doors are closed … all eyes are void of care … all ears aren’t listening … all hands are unavailable … all kindness consumed … all hearts closed. I hate this feeling more than I have hated anything in my life. I wish I could know why it seems to follow me everywhere; no matter where I go … no matter what I do. I wish it’s just something in my head. I wish I’m delusional. I wish that somehow the doors are imaginary, the eyes are pretending, the ears are hidden, the hands are invisible, the kindness can be found, and the hearts just misunderstood.
If I had a penny for every time someone broke my heart, I’d be rich enough to buy myself my own island where I can live without any human contact whatsoever.
Stones that I
It weighs me down
But there is gold
Hidden by rock and sand
I have to search
~Barbarossa – Stones
It’s true that we seem to be living our lives in an endless journey of quenching our desires, but I think the nature of your desires can tell a great deal about who we are and how we lived our lives.
I remember I used to want one thing: feel loved and accepted.
Then I used to want to be safe.
Then I wanted not to feel lonely, and wanted to be loved.
Now all I want is for my heartache to stop.
We usually forget months and even entire years of our lives, but there are some moments, some nights, that can never fade away from our memories.
I always say I have a very bad memory. Could it be my brain’s way of defending itself against grief?
A universe is vast, spontaneous, and unique. So is my mind.
I also now realize that: a universe is mostly empty, dark and cold. So is my heart!
“Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide”
~Demons, Imagine Dragons
Warning: I decided it was time to write a short summary of my sad life and suffering in a single series of entries, the only expected result is a very dark collection of painful stories. You’re strongly discouraged from reading this.
Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
~ Bob Marley