Maybe what’s worse than the pain is feeling that there’s no one there for you. That all doors are closed … all eyes are void of care … all ears aren’t listening … all hands are unavailable … all kindness consumed … all hearts closed. I hate this feeling more than I have hated anything in my life. I wish I could know why it seems to follow me everywhere; no matter where I go … no matter what I do. I wish it’s just something in my head. I wish I’m delusional. I wish that somehow the doors are imaginary, the eyes are pretending, the ears are hidden, the hands are invisible, the kindness can be found, and the hearts just misunderstood.
He’s the only one who has been there since the beginning. He never lets go. He’s so fucking stubborn. The more I tell him I don’t want him, the tighter he holds on to me. Lots of people come and go, but he’s the only one who seems to remain. To be honest, I sometimes feel I miss him, but it’s not because of him, rather because he’s frankly better than bad company.
(I wrote this about my friend SR, and have been struggling for a while to complete it. I guess that means it is complete, so I decided it to post it as is.)
When you step out of a warm shower on a cold night, the world seems colder.
But it’s somehow warmer, when you step out of a warm hug that you’ve awaited forever.
“But forever could just be around the corner”, she said without a second thought.
A thought that lingered in my mind.
(I wrote this letter over the course of a few days to my friend whom I’ll refer to as S. -for privacy reasons- and delivered it to her on Wed, the 16th of March 2017)
Dear Beloved S.,
I’m writing this to you after almost 2 days of trying to respect your desire for me to leave you alone as much as possible. It has been very difficult for me, but if you are really happy, I’ll use all my power to bare the loneliness and the pain of being away from you when I want to be close, just for your sake and your happiness.
They say Einstein once said: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we faced them.” I think there is a recurring problem in our friendship and I’m writing this to try and explain, in some detail, why I think there are better ways of dealing with bad times other than the way we’re currently choosing. I hope you read this carefully, put yourself in my place, and, at least, reconsider, for my sake, please.
(written on Jan the 31st, 2017)